How May I Help You

Welcome to Walgreens, my name is Nathan. Here's a list of helpful tips to make your shopping experience a fulfilling and life-changing one.

1. If I ask you how you're doing, it's purely to be polite. I really couldn't care less how you're actually doing, and if you actually tell me about your crappy day, I'm going to cut you off at the earliest possible opportunity.

2. If I see you've parked in the handicapped lane without a permit, and you're not an octogenarian, I'm GOING to report you for two reasons. A: You're a jerk. B: I've always wanted to call the cops on someone.

3. If you pay with a check and you're under the age of seventy, you have no excuse. It's called a check card, people. They've only been around for as long as you've been alive. Jump on the friggin' bandwagon. The average check card transaction is approximately forty five seconds faster than a check transaction, according to stats I just made up.

3a. If you DO pay with a check, I retain the right to loathe you intensely until you exit the second set of doors. Unless you're a hot chick, under which condition I retain the right to ogle you until you exit my line of sight.

4. If you come up to the counter talking on a cell phone, my standard procedure is to not move a muscle for 30 seconds, or until you hang up the phone, whichever comes first. If you look annoyed at me, my response will ALWAYS be "Sorry, I thought you were on the phone."

5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not pore over our weekly ad for hours memorizing the sale prices. Lazy men and women of America, do not come up to the counter and ask me if there are coupons for any of the items you've selected. If you do, chances are I'll say that there aren't any, even if I notice some that are.

6. I've been known to lay magnetic anti-theft stickers on the floor sticky side up. I get bored, and it's fun watching your bewildered face as you constantly beep through our doors.

7. The slowness of my completion of your photo order is directionally proportional to how "in a hurry" you are. If you have a big scrapbooking party to go to, don't wait until fifteen minutes before to get your photos processed. Just one of life's hard facts.

8. We usually run out of the best sale items after a few days. It happens. And it's not because our manager sucks at ordering product, and it's not because there's a conspiracy to gyp you out of your 99 cent toilet paper. It's because for the last six days, vultures like you have been grabbing as much as their grubby little hands can carry. Take the raincheck, and a chill pill.

9. Under no circumstances do I want to talk about the weather, or gas prices, or road construction. The things I want to say to you are, in order: "Hi there," "Your total is ____" "_____ is your change," and "Have a nice day/night." They don't pay me enough to give you a talkjob.

10. If you ask me specific questions about certain products, most of the time my answer is going to be 95% grade-A bullcrap, the other 5% consisting of the product name, the price, and the name of the store we are in. No, I have not tried the entire selection of moisturizers, etc. If it's a medication question, notice the fact that I am not currently IN the pharmacy. You might want to go over to the nice man in the white coat surrounded by prescription drugs. Just a guess.

That's just a sampling of the rainbow of information I'm good for here at walgreens. Remember, I'm here to help.