How May I Help You

Welcome to Walgreens, my name is Nathan. Here's a list of helpful tips to make your shopping experience a fulfilling and life-changing one.

1. If I ask you how you're doing, it's purely to be polite. I really couldn't care less how you're actually doing, and if you actually tell me about your crappy day, I'm going to cut you off at the earliest possible opportunity.

2. If I see you've parked in the handicapped lane without a permit, and you're not an octogenarian, I'm GOING to report you for two reasons. A: You're a jerk. B: I've always wanted to call the cops on someone.

3. If you pay with a check and you're under the age of seventy, you have no excuse. It's called a check card, people. They've only been around for as long as you've been alive. Jump on the friggin' bandwagon. The average check card transaction is approximately forty five seconds faster than a check transaction, according to stats I just made up.

3a. If you DO pay with a check, I retain the right to loathe you intensely until you exit the second set of doors. Unless you're a hot chick, under which condition I retain the right to ogle you until you exit my line of sight.

4. If you come up to the counter talking on a cell phone, my standard procedure is to not move a muscle for 30 seconds, or until you hang up the phone, whichever comes first. If you look annoyed at me, my response will ALWAYS be "Sorry, I thought you were on the phone."

5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not pore over our weekly ad for hours memorizing the sale prices. Lazy men and women of America, do not come up to the counter and ask me if there are coupons for any of the items you've selected. If you do, chances are I'll say that there aren't any, even if I notice some that are.

6. I've been known to lay magnetic anti-theft stickers on the floor sticky side up. I get bored, and it's fun watching your bewildered face as you constantly beep through our doors.

7. The slowness of my completion of your photo order is directionally proportional to how "in a hurry" you are. If you have a big scrapbooking party to go to, don't wait until fifteen minutes before to get your photos processed. Just one of life's hard facts.

8. We usually run out of the best sale items after a few days. It happens. And it's not because our manager sucks at ordering product, and it's not because there's a conspiracy to gyp you out of your 99 cent toilet paper. It's because for the last six days, vultures like you have been grabbing as much as their grubby little hands can carry. Take the raincheck, and a chill pill.

9. Under no circumstances do I want to talk about the weather, or gas prices, or road construction. The things I want to say to you are, in order: "Hi there," "Your total is ____" "_____ is your change," and "Have a nice day/night." They don't pay me enough to give you a talkjob.

10. If you ask me specific questions about certain products, most of the time my answer is going to be 95% grade-A bullcrap, the other 5% consisting of the product name, the price, and the name of the store we are in. No, I have not tried the entire selection of moisturizers, etc. If it's a medication question, notice the fact that I am not currently IN the pharmacy. You might want to go over to the nice man in the white coat surrounded by prescription drugs. Just a guess.

That's just a sampling of the rainbow of information I'm good for here at walgreens. Remember, I'm here to help.

News You Can Use (P.S. I'm a big fat liar)

So, you know how I said I was gonna blog once a day? Yep, it didn't even take me a day before that fell through. But here it is, the first of a series of sporadically updated blogs.

Here's the straight poop on my involvement with Flush Studios.

CouchCapades episode 2 is up on funnyordie.com right now, and hopefully should be up on flushstudios.com within the next couple days. Please watch it, please vote, please comment...these are the things that get me moving on toward the next episode.

The Flush Studios podcast (creatively titled "The Casting of the Pod,") usually hosted by Josh Stifter and Dan Degnan, will be guest-hosted by me for the next 3 weeks. Episode 10, with me and Josh, is up on the site now. Episode 11, going up next week, features me plus Josh and Dan, as well as a few mystery guests, and episode 12, hopefully two weeks from now, will feature what I call the Flush Studios Triumvirate, (me, Josh and Dan) Give episode 10 a listen, then subscribe to the podcast and listen to all the back issues. They're pretty hilarious, and offer a unique perspective on the flushing behind the scenes. WARNING----these podcasts are NSFM (not safe for Mom) due to crudity, vulgarity, and profanity.

More news on some super secret upcoming projects coming soon...

as for now, what are you still doing reading this blog? Go to flushstudios.com or funnyordie.com and show the Libbyman you mean business.

Flushing Meadows

Here's the deal:

I plan on blogging once a day for the next couple weeks to get this blog back a-rollin, so I have to pace myself lest I run out of material, but the big deal in my life now is Flush Studios.

Flushstudios.com is a website owned and operated by my friends Josh Stifter and Dan Degnan. It's still in its beginning stages, but eventually it's going to be a hotbed of comics, videos, cartoons, and articles all created by a core of comedy savants (read: Retards,) of which I am a part.

Right now, there is one video that I made on there, the pilot episode of CouchCapades. More on that later, all you need to do right now is visit flushstudios.com and check out CouchCapades, as well as Josh and Dan's first video, Pimptown, and all the other goodies the site has to offer.

Bringin' the Blog Back in a Big Way

Hey there, people. Just a quick one tonight, but I 'd like to formally announce my re-commitment to this blog.

Tune in tomorrow for some insights about another little website I'm a part of, but until then...THE BLOG'S BACK! Yahoo!

What a Rare Mood I'm In...

First of all, I have to apologize to all the people that have been eagerly awaiting my next blog (Sorry Mom...)
There are many reasons I haven't blogged all over the place in a couple weeks, such as slight writers block, my internet going all wonky, having 12 shifts in the last two weeks, and just overall laziness, but the main reason I'm gonna go with is a little Eau Claire Children's Theatre performance I'm involved with called "BRIGADOON." For those of you that have not seen or heard of it (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's everybody) I guess it's a classic play, basically revolving around one man's love for a two-hundred-year-old woman. It's a little more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

Here's the situation with me and this play. First of all, I'm an extra. No lines, no solos, I'm not even in any of the dances. If you know my track record in theatre, you know I'm not exactly used to that. It's hard for me to show up to practice knowing that I'm not going to have a legitimate chance to make a giant ass of myself (not that this prevents me from doing so, it just moves it more behind-the-scenes.) The play is also really long and kinda boring (it's made by the same people that did My Fair Lady, so this isn't that surprising.) Plus, we've been practicing this show since the middle of December (we did take two weeks off for the holidays, but still...that's almost three months, a long time by ECCT standards.) So, I've pretty much hated this show from day one, and my hatred has incrementally grown with each passing day.

But now that we've moved from the ECCT building to the theatre for practices, the weirdest thing has happened. I still hate practices, but I actually like the show itself.

For starters, there's the talent involved. With few exceptions, the leads are my friends; from the new (Kevin Sieg, the most hilariously awkward dude in the world, for instance) to the very very old (my dear friend Greg Kernkamp.) I love these people to death. And songs I once thought boring, complete with the kind of lyrics you find in fifty cent greeting cards, come alive in the mouths of our main characters (especially the romantic lead, Tom Anderson. I love that man like one dude should not love another dude.) The costumes and sets are fun (kilts are surprisingly comfortable, by the way,) and as much as I hate the sound of bagpipes, having a live bagpiper on stage is kinda cool. The dances are complex and awe-inspiring (viewed from the proper distance) and a few of the lines are genuinely funny.

If I had written this blog a week ago, I would have advised you to stay away from this play with all your might. But now I'm not so sure. Don't go because of me, though (unless you really want to see me in a kilt.) I'm not downplaying my role when I say I do nothing. If you've got a night free later this week, however, there are bigger wastes of your time than seeing Brigadoon.

For those of you that might go, it's Feb. 28-March 1 at 7:30, March 2 at 1:30. State Theatre, Eau Claire.

Who Killed The Music?

The tale I have to serve up today is one of regret, senseless crime, and the human condition.

About four months ago, my iPod was stolen.

While I was performing Aladdin, somebody went into my dressing room (and I had my own dressing room,) into my BACKPACK, and made off with my iPod. If you know much about me, you know how big an audiophile I am, and pretty much the ONLY way I listen to music these days is via Pod. So, to recap, while I was spending every iota of free time at the State Theatre being painted blue and hoisted by my privates for the entertainment of thousands of Chippewa Valley theatre-goers, somebody stole my most prized possession. How's that for gratitude?

So anyway, I've been deprived of my music for far too long, and being too poor to just go and pick up another Pod, there's nothing I can do about it. I've been jogging back from work lately, and doing that with no music to distract me from the exercise makes it three times as hard for me. Yes, times are tough for this suburban cowboy...

Enter silver lining: Tax return.

I'm getting a boatload of cash back from Uncle Sam, and hopefully soon I will have something to fill that rectangular hole in my heart. Until then, I'm filling my new computer's iTunes with all the songs from CDs I own, CDs my friends own, and straight up Internet theft, so that when I do get an iPod again it'll be just like old times.

Sidenote: I'm listening to The Academy Is right now. I forgot how much of a home run "Almost Here" is. If you've never been, get your hands on this album. It'll change your life.

My Legacy in 8mm

Lately, I've been looking through my old camcorder tapes- footage from Tour Choirs past, ILC plays and musicals, and movie footage from the ILC Witch Project, as well as stuff I made with the brothers Kelly. Not only has it made me wax nostalgic for the carefree times of my youth, but I am also reminded of a shocking fact: Even though I own dozens of 8mm tapes full of content, even though I have written two full-length screenplays, even though I've wanted to make a movie since I was a little kid, I have NEVER shot anything close to a full-blown film. The closest I've come is the ILC Witch Project, and that wasn't even my movie, I just co-wrote, co-filmed, co-edited, and co-starred in it.

This cannot stand.

Starting tomorrow (boy, how many projects in my life begin with those two words) I'm getting it all worked out. Either I'll flesh out one of my screenplays, or adapt and finish my half-written stage play, or I'll build off of one of my billion ideas for movies. It's gonna happen. It's GOTTA happen. Questions remain, however: How long will I allow myself for the scriptwriting process? Should I get a new camera, use my old crappy one, or rent a professional-grade one? Plus, a bunch of little piddly questions not worth mentioning here. At any rate, stay tuned, gentle readers: When the time comes, I'm gonna need actors. And there is no experience quite like making a movie with friends.